seethingheathen | OMG MEME. No LJ Cut!

You Know You're From London When...

You say "the city" and expect everyone to know which one.
-Yep.

You have never been to The Tower or Madame Tussauds but love Brighton.
-Actually, I have been to The Tower. So there.

You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Shepherds Bush to Elephant & Castle at 3:30 on the Friday before a long weekend, but can't find Dorset on a map.
-Feh.

Hookers and the homeless are invisible.
-Except when the lousy tramps shove The Big Issue in your face. Never bought one, never will.

You step over people who collapse on the tube.
-Ugh, and I hate luggage. Luggage sucks. Yes, please, Mr and Mrs Tourist, roll over my foot with your bloody huge suitcase. I don't mind. Do it again. . . .

You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
-'Moan tay fuck wi ye!

You've considered stabbing someone.
-Natural reflex.

Your door has more than three locks.
-Actually, no.

Your favourite movie has Hugh Grant in it.
-Nope. Wanker.

You consider eye contact an act of overt aggression.
-Heh.

You call an 8' x 10' plot of patchy grass a garden.
-Isn't it?

You know where Karl Marx is buried.
-Right next to Groucho. *giggles stupidly*

You consider Essex the "countryside"
-I like to say Essex. Ooooh, what's that? Essex. It's Sex. Nevermind.

You think Hyde Park is "nature."
-Yeah, well, it is. All that green in one place.

You're paying £1,200 a month for a studio the size of a walk-in wardrobe and you think it's a "bargain."
-That's why my mum paid my rent. *spoilt brat* Wasn't that much, though.

Shopping in suburban supermarkets and shopping malls gives you a severe attack of agoraphobia.
-Gah. I know!

You've been to Tooting twice and got hopelessly lost both times.
-Tooting. Heh.

You pay more each month to park your car than most people in the UK pay in rent.
-Only if you're silly enough to own a car.

You haven't seen more than twelve stars in the night sky since you went camping as a kid.
-Stars? Wassat? We got loads of stars where I'm at now. I'd trade 'em for the sound of sirens in the dead of night, though. *misses sirens*

You own hiking boots and a 4WD vehicle, neither of which have ever touched dirt.
-Now, that's just daft.

You haven't heard the sound of true absolute silence since 1977, and when you did, it terrified you.
-I can't handle silence. Need sirens. See above.

You pay £3 without blinking for a beer that cost the bar 28p.
-Er, yeah. And?

You actually take fashion seriously.
-Oh, so a little pride in one's appearance is a bad thing?

Being truly alone makes you nervous.
-I can't stand it sometimes.

You have 27 different menus next to your telephone.
-Could go for a curry at the mo, actually.

The UK west of Heathrow is still theoretical to you.
-What, there's a west of Heathrow???

You're suspicious of strangers who are actually nice to you.
-I know the man who gave me a tissue on the tube was just tired of hearing me sniffle.

You haven't cooked a meal since helping mum last Christmas with the turkey.
-I rarely cooked. I agree with this one.

Your idea of personal space is no one actually standing on your toes.
-When you're crammed in a space the size of a shoebox with someone's armpit in your face, you tend to adapt.

£50 worth of groceries fit in one paper bag.
-Eh?

You have a minimum of five "worst cab ride ever" stories.
-Nope. Hate cabs.

You don't hear sirens anymore.
-What you don't notice anymore is the tube passing under your flat.

You've mentally blocked out all thoughts of the city's air quality and what it's doing to your lungs.
-It's not that bad, is it? *cough*

You live in a building with a larger population than most towns.
-Could be.

Your cleaner is Russian, your grocer is Korean, your deli man is Israeli, your landlord is Italian, your laundry guy is Chinese, your favourite bartender is Irish, your favourite diner owner is Greek, the watch-seller on your corner is Senegalese, your last cabbie was Pakistani, your newsagent is Indian and your favourite falafel guy is Egyptian.
-Yep.

You wouldn't want to live anywhere else until you get married.
-London is the best place on Earth.

You say 'mate' constantly.
-Mate. Matematematemate.

Anyone not from London is a 'wanker.'
-There're loads of wankers from London.

Anyone from outside London and north of the Watford Gap is a 'Northern Wanker.'
-Bastards. Can't understand a fecking word they say. *winks*

You have no idea where the North is.
-That would be, er, North.

You see All Saints in the Met Bar (again) and find it hard to get excited about it.
-All Saints suck penis.

The countryside makes you nervous.
-OMGCOWSOMG.

Somebody speaks to you on the tube and you freak out thinking they are a stalker.
-You. Don't. Speak. To. People. On. The. Tube. Or. In. Lifts.

You talk in postcodes. "God, it was really warm round SW1 the other day."
-Hey, there, Georgie girl. . . sorry, that's stuck in my head. Postcodes, yes, postcodes. *sings*

You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends from London.

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